i'm miserable

sad, angry, . . .
why is this happening to me???
okay right from the beginning:


i love books, my siblings say i eat them for breakfast
well, it's true somehow
i've always been a big fan of books . . .
when i was 13 i started to right my own stories, . . .

and 2 years ago i tried to write a book,
i liked it and i came pretty far, but then i had another story,
a better one, a perfect one!! i dreamed about it

so i decided to write the new one, and i was so motivated
i put so much effort and love, so much of my personality in it
i came pretty far, and i only needed one week!! just one simple week and i would've done it

but today, the unbelievable happend, my laptop has to be reinstall, which means
that all of my personal things will be gone! i don't care about my movies, my music, my pics
BUT I DO CARE ABOUT MY BOOK!

i'm heartbroken

i feel so depressed, and right now, i don't think i'll be able to write again EVER,

that's so unfair!

so much effort, for NOTHING, how could this happen to me?

nausea

there is something with my stomach, no idea what it is
doesn’t matter what I eat or how much I eat, after swallowing food nausea overcomes me
i can’t even sleep because of that
last night I woke up pretty early, It was about 3 p.m.
i had to throw up

i’ve been living with this nausea for two weeks now

but is it possible, that people can cause this feeling inside of you?
maybe because of their approach?
or maybe because of their face? you can’t even look at their face
because it makes you feel angry, sad and satisfied at the same time
and it gets even worse because you see this face everyday

definitely it can cause your nausea

unable to forget

Hypocritical

i have to know you
always this sentence
gotta trust you
always this sentence
hypocrite, that’s what I call you
this is all you’ve ever been

overwhelmed with emotions
needs and emotions again, always emotions
hedonism I call it
gotta trust you
always this sentence
a hypocrite is what I call you
cause it’s hedonism, that speaks out of you
truth- it’s hidden, somewhere deep inside
nothing but hedonism that makes you say these words

shame and regret, longing and despair
that’s how I feel, when I look at you
obsession I call it
why can’t you just forget?
always this question
miserable, that’s what I call you
this is all you’ve ever been

but always these emotions
Hedonism, that’s how I call it
I have to know you
always this sentence
miserable is what I call you
cause it’s hedonism that speaks out of you
Truth- hidden, somewhere deep inside
nothing but hedonism, that makes you say these words

a hypocrite and miserable
my hypocrite
why can’t you just forget?
always this question
obsession I call it

I wanna throw up

at the moment, i don't like myself at all
i don't how to explain it, but i'll try
it's like:

you've been on a diet, since like ever ^^
and you lose weight, everything's perfect, you feel pleased
but suddenly you have this phase where you can't stop eating!
you just can't stop, and you are starting to put on weight again

you can't even look into the mirror, feeling your body is pain
and you just wanna feel weightless again

and this is how i feel right now, like there's something in my body and my soul
something i haven't felt for so long
and suddenly it comes back
and i just want it to stop

but you can't control it
you don't have the power to make it stop

my immune system is zero

i wanted to party tomorrow!!
i wanted to dance, sing, just having a good time
and what happend to me today??
i became ill
i can't believe it,
i needed some distraction and now can spend my weekend lying in bed
i am so not lucky

BILLY TALENT

was awesome!! i was at their concert and i loved it, and i got the chance to touch the drummer's sticks x3 but only for a sec ^^ haha anyways. i loved it x3, pics will follow

Letting go

If I were a bird . . .

i tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it
i don't believe it makes me real

i am sick of it, i can't change myself, and i came to the conclusion that it's not me
who has to change, it's you
i can't stand your arrogance
i can't stand your selfishness
i can't stand that you called me baby
i can't stand that you said you love me
i can't stand you called me perfect
i can't stand you called me the most beautiful girl in the world
i can't stand you said, that i have the most beautiful smile
i can't stand you said that you get lost in my black eyes
i can't stand you said that i am a mysterious girl
i can't stand you made me laugh
i can't stand that you ignore me because you "want to protect me"

and i could punch myself for thinking about you everyday
i hate that i get jealous everytime you talk to another girl

but what can i do? i have to accept it, maybe i'll forget you someday
hopefully i will

because as long as you won't change, we can't be friends

whatever people say i am that's what i'm not

Hello there. . .

i have to apologies for my malodramatic posts
it's just that i was so angry and upset and scared and everything
my friend, he was like a brother for me, he meant so much to me
and now we're not even friends anymore
and all because of this stupid thing called "love"
don't get me wrong, i love love, it's sunny and warm
but sometimes it's just a mess
and that's what happend to me
i lost a friend because of that, and i can hardly breath
i am scared,
it's just so hard that i can't even call him a friend anymore . . .

F*** you, F*** you very much.

today u started talking to me again
we met each other and spent a beautiful day with each other
you told me you love me, you kissed me. . .
everythin was perfect
and then, a few hours later you tell me "you can't do it" because "you can't be faithfull"
and that you would "hurt me",
well congrats, you did it, you broke my heart
you wanna "be friends" but i can't do it
i hate you hate you hate you so much

Running

i'm trying so hard, but you are always in my head
doesn't matter where i go, or what i'm doing

i was out tonight, i was having fun, i was meeting some nice boys too
but it's you who's on my mind

today you started talking to me again, what does that mean?
on your site in fb you are saying: i am in love

and i'm hoping so bad, that it is me, who you are in love with
let it be me please

i'm so stupid for hoping
but i have to, i want you

if i can't have you, no one else should have you
i'm selfish, i know, but i can't help it

i am in love with you

i drink myself stupid
till your name does not even ring a bell
this glass is my prescription
overdosed on a new addiction

now i know that it's the same,
diffrent people, diffrent days
it won't change . . .

F*** you, but have a nice day

nothing connects us anymore, actually there was never a connection
between us,
your arrogance and my jealousy makes things so damn hard
i wanna go to bed and sleep for a while, but the thing is that i see ur face by the time
i close my eyes, so i'm going to stay up as late as possible
this whole thing is so exhausting . . .

things i´ll never say

you were through and through good, but i'm not sure anymore
i understand a lot of things, and i forgive a lot of things, but only if that person deserves it
i would appreciate an apology, but seems like you don't even care
i would acutally forgive you, but i won't forget, i hate people who betray my trust, i hate you
for making a fool out of me
hate is a big
word but right now i can't find another way to explain what my feelings are for you right now
i know that sometimes i am kind of a drama queen, i am pretty sensitive and i can hardly deal
with rejection from people i trusted, but my anger is appropriate

Halloween is going to be awesome!! it's my favorite celebration!!
i'm going to sleep at my friends place with some other guys
we'll eat soo much treats while watching some horrormovies
then we go to a party where we'll meet some more friends
then we'll go from the to door and ask for more treats
then back home, watching more movies, eating more treats and then
go to sleep
oh i love it so much
can't wait til' saturday x3

don't run from yourself

we're all individual human beings
god gave everyone of us a diffrent personality
and we can't really change who we are
of course we can improve in things,
we can learn new stuff, but who we are
and what we'll able to do, is something we've ever been
doesn't matter how hard we try to be more
it won't work, because in fact
we can only become what we already are

i have to admit that sometimes i'm scared of myself

reaching unconditional happyness is not impossible but not usual
reaching the state of depression is not unusal and easy to reach
the diffrence between happyness and sadness is not that small
dear world, i don't get this system, but is there anyone out there
who is ever going to understand? i guess not, so i just leave it like that
i'll keep on being happy and sad, feeling fulfilled and depressed
because this world is our heaven and our hell

F*** you, F*** you very much.

arrogance is a horrible thing
thinking that you're better than oters makes you a bitch
skin colour, language, hair colour . . does it matter so much?
personality is what matters
selfishness makes you a slut
of course it's important to take care for yourself, but the thing
you are doing is insulting and disgusting
someday you'll be the one who's going to be mistreated
and then i'll be the fist who will laugh at you the hardest
i just want you to know that i hate you

i don't understand this cradle of humanity
self-destruction has become kind of a trend
sometimes I got the feeling that self esteem dosen’t even exist anymore
i want an angel that knows how to stay true to oneself
that knows how to comprehend , an angel that got those spezial lights in its eyes

i love long late night car driving
i love looking out the window while driving through the big city lights
i love listening to my favorite music while watching these beautiful lights
this is when i feel on top of the world
this is when i feel like crying because of my happyness
i just want you to know, that this is when i feel fulfilled

i saw all of my friends on wednesday x3
and after that, while driving home i felt satisfied and thankfull
i realised that i am very lucky even though there are moments in my life
when it doesn't feel like that

think about the beauty left around you
and be happy x3

i always felt ashamed of my names . . .
sometimes i felt ashamed of who i am, but not anymore
i am: natascha natalie suzanne bawota merveille Bope
and i am through and through happy =]

*********♦*********
********why does my heart feel so bad?********
********why does my soul feel so bad?********
♦

because nothing stays as it is
everyone is making progress
everyone is growing up
...

Empty

we talked for about 2 and a half hour, we were screaming, laughing and crying
but we made it through somehow
yes we are talking to each other again
and of course i am thankful for that,
because R and I are one of the most important persons in my
difficult life
i thank god for not taking them away from me
ya we made it through
but why do i feel so sad? i feel like crying, and i feel lost
what is wrong with me? something feels so diffrent

go ahead and burn it down,
i'm drunk and so is everyone else in this devil town

it's sad

i got the point that it seems you are not the one i thought you were
it's hard for me to accept it because you were so good
of course nobody is perfect, and i am the last one to judge but your
behavior is destroying everything
i hope that we'll come to a solution when we are going to talk about it tomorrow night
just remember, that once we were friends

can't wait to see my friends on saturday
. .. B-day party x3
, rebecca, isabella, andreij, roumeika, arioza, nina, ilé, denise, andy, julian,
and soooo many others x3
SATURDAY I'M COMING x3

Thank you Sis' x3

my sister's words help me a lot. i don't know what i'd do without her
i felt pretty down, and she was able to build me up again.
here's what she has just told me on the phone:

i know it's hard
just remember, that it doesn't matter how much you think to know a person,
they are not like that, or at least most of them.
right know you think like "WTF why do i have to go through this, it's not fair"
but this experience will help you in "the real world"
you are used to be liked by everyone, everyone loved you
but now you learn what rejection means
it's hard to deal with it, but this is how to grow up
be happy, that you have friends who like you,
even though you don't see them very often
don't do so much drama
keep your eyes on the people around you
don't trust them
but, always be nice, don't cause a scene
but don't act less smart as you are
be confident
you know who you are
you know your aims
keep you head held high
and do your own thing
god will help you
he will reward you
Life will go the right way
and then you'll be happy
just remember, that you are a likeable beautiful
human being
everything will be great in the end
just keep your strength and be proud of who you are
don't be ashamed of yourself, there's no reason why you
should hide yourself
you have a family and people who stand behind you
you just have to look around
and keep your faith


thank you so much gloria, i love you x3

That´s just the way it is

there are stupid people in the world,
but don´t be afraid of them. you are a beautiful and strong human being
you are better than them, so don´t start to fight
not to take revenge can be a revenge too
so keep on doing your own thing, LIFE WILL GO THE RIGHT DAY,
and then YOU'LL BE HAPPY =)

my face is made of glass
and i wish someone would cut itself at it
x3

don't ever be afraid to step out and do something totally different
x3

things i´ll never say

- i may be a drama queen, but this is who i am, and what you did, is worth acting out!!
i am so angry!! i´ve never been so angry at a friend of mine, i swear to you, you will get
disappointed!! the thing you guys have is nothing

Sometimes life sucks

and this time is right now
it´s so hard not to give up, but you really try your best
you look at the bright side of life, you pray to god, you keep your faith
and even though you feel so lost, you don´t lose your faith,
you think you found a way how to deal with it
but then something happens, you would have never expected,
it´s like life punched you right in to your face, and then you fall

how can someone keep faith, if there is hardly any positve thing in your life?
and it keeps getting worse and worse

i wish i could just hide myself
everything is crashing down

3 kind of people

- there are people who don´t care at all if you are okay or not, but that´s fine

- then there are some people who really care about you, because they like you =]

- and there are people who are so jealous of you, so that they wanna bring you down
i just feel sorry for them, they don´t have a life, so they got to sabotage others,
but there´s no reason to care about those people, because they are just pitful

crying

i wanna feel absoluetly happy x3
i cry if you let me

we come we go
we live until we live no more

(kings of leon - frontier city)

can you take me back to the person i used to be?
back when you were there for me?
i know it seems like forever but do me this favor please

way back when we were stupid
and held grudges just to help us sleep
oh my god how ridiciulous were we

miss you

missing r . . . . .

if i find my way, through the darkest of days, will i laugh about the things that kept me awake?
but if my greatest fear paints itself so crystal clear, will i run away, or will i hide?

good and bad days

yes, my moods changes every minute
i have some good and bad days, today was a good one =D
i spent my time with my friends the whole day long, and i´m so thankful for that,



everything will be great in the end,
if it isn´t great, then it´s not the end

***
i was staring at the sky
just looking for a star
to pray on or wish on or something like that

***

just remember that you rock my world x3

I feel good

i feel good right now
but i´m too tired too go into details
i just had an amazing day
it wasn´t perfect, but great
good and bad days come and go, i just have to try, keeping on smilin' =]

i absoluetly adore this song x3

***♦#*''*#♦***
a summer sun that blows my mind
is falling down on all that i've ever known
time will kiss the world goodbye
we're falling down on all that i've ever known
is all that i've ever known
a dying scream makes no sound
calling out to all that i've ever known
here am i lost and found, calling out to all

***♦#*''*#♦***

we live a dying dream
if you know what i mean
and all that i've ever known
it's all that i've ever known

***♦#*''*#♦***

catch the wheel that breaks the butterfly
i cry the rain that fills the ocean wide
i tried to talk with god to no avail
i call him up in and out of nowhere
said if you won't save me please don't waste my time
***
all that i've ever known is all that i've ever known
***
catch the wheel that breaks the butterfly
i cry the rain that fills the ocean wide
i tried to talk with god to no avail
i call him up in and out of nowhere
said if you won't save me please don't waste my time

***♦#*''*#♦***

a summer sun it blows my mind
it's fallin' down on all that i've ever known
time to kiss the world goodbye
falling down on all that i've ever known
is all that i've ever known

***♦#*''*#♦***

(oasis-falling down)

Tonight

tonight i wanna do something i haven´t done for ages
and i am going to make it happen
i wanna right a song again, accompanied by my piano
it´s just that it would disturb my family, because it is right in the living room
and there´s no place for it in my room
but i am going to make it =)
i feel insecure, but very inspired

today was better,
and i am very thankfull, that the sun is shining right now
it puts a little smile on my face,
i just hope, that i won´t get depressed again

tomorrow i´m meeting my best friends, and i can´t wait for that

life is so unpredictable sometimes . . .

another book i really enjoyed reading


"success is like a bright star that you hold out both hands for,
i do want to succeed. I want to shine"

"The bus driver opended the doors and made me throw the snowball out. I told him I wasn´t going to chuck it at anybody but he wouldn´t believe me. People never believe you"


i read this book a few days ago and i just love it x3
it made me think about some things

yes i do feel very tired
and i´m angry
but most of all i am pretty scared
i just realised, that i used to stick to people
and that i am scared of being alone
but being alone doesn´t have to be something worse
i have to realise, that i can be strong
that i can be happy alone or with others
i have to change
life will go the right way

If at first you fail and begin to doubt your work, just remember – not everything starts out perfect. Even diamonds started out as coal.

Back to school

school has just started and i think i kind of hate it.
i changed school because of personal reasons, which doesn´t mean, that i didn´t make any friends at my old school. i got the most perfect and best friends at my old school, but i just had to leave. because of personal reasons.
the new people are not like me. they are arrogant and selfish, but maybe i just don´t really know them. as a matter of fact, i don´t know them at all, i hope i get to know them a little bit better. two of them are very nice though, but i think i become an outsider.
i hope i won´t but i guess so.
and that´s when i realised, that i was very lucky having these two friends of mine, i love them so much, and they love me, they miss me a lot and promised, that we are going to stay in touch. of course we will, i will take care of that ;]

anyways, i don´t wanna talk or even think about it.
i realise that i have to be strong. i don´t need to have very close friends in school. i gotta keep my head held high. everything is going to be okay. yeah, i have faith in that =)