i'm miserable

sad, angry, . . .
why is this happening to me???
okay right from the beginning:


i love books, my siblings say i eat them for breakfast
well, it's true somehow
i've always been a big fan of books . . .
when i was 13 i started to right my own stories, . . .

and 2 years ago i tried to write a book,
i liked it and i came pretty far, but then i had another story,
a better one, a perfect one!! i dreamed about it

so i decided to write the new one, and i was so motivated
i put so much effort and love, so much of my personality in it
i came pretty far, and i only needed one week!! just one simple week and i would've done it

but today, the unbelievable happend, my laptop has to be reinstall, which means
that all of my personal things will be gone! i don't care about my movies, my music, my pics
BUT I DO CARE ABOUT MY BOOK!

i'm heartbroken

i feel so depressed, and right now, i don't think i'll be able to write again EVER,

that's so unfair!

so much effort, for NOTHING, how could this happen to me?

nausea

there is something with my stomach, no idea what it is
doesn’t matter what I eat or how much I eat, after swallowing food nausea overcomes me
i can’t even sleep because of that
last night I woke up pretty early, It was about 3 p.m.
i had to throw up

i’ve been living with this nausea for two weeks now

but is it possible, that people can cause this feeling inside of you?
maybe because of their approach?
or maybe because of their face? you can’t even look at their face
because it makes you feel angry, sad and satisfied at the same time
and it gets even worse because you see this face everyday

definitely it can cause your nausea

unable to forget

Hypocritical

i have to know you
always this sentence
gotta trust you
always this sentence
hypocrite, that’s what I call you
this is all you’ve ever been

overwhelmed with emotions
needs and emotions again, always emotions
hedonism I call it
gotta trust you
always this sentence
a hypocrite is what I call you
cause it’s hedonism, that speaks out of you
truth- it’s hidden, somewhere deep inside
nothing but hedonism that makes you say these words

shame and regret, longing and despair
that’s how I feel, when I look at you
obsession I call it
why can’t you just forget?
always this question
miserable, that’s what I call you
this is all you’ve ever been

but always these emotions
Hedonism, that’s how I call it
I have to know you
always this sentence
miserable is what I call you
cause it’s hedonism that speaks out of you
Truth- hidden, somewhere deep inside
nothing but hedonism, that makes you say these words

a hypocrite and miserable
my hypocrite
why can’t you just forget?
always this question
obsession I call it

I wanna throw up

at the moment, i don't like myself at all
i don't how to explain it, but i'll try
it's like:

you've been on a diet, since like ever ^^
and you lose weight, everything's perfect, you feel pleased
but suddenly you have this phase where you can't stop eating!
you just can't stop, and you are starting to put on weight again

you can't even look into the mirror, feeling your body is pain
and you just wanna feel weightless again

and this is how i feel right now, like there's something in my body and my soul
something i haven't felt for so long
and suddenly it comes back
and i just want it to stop

but you can't control it
you don't have the power to make it stop

my immune system is zero

i wanted to party tomorrow!!
i wanted to dance, sing, just having a good time
and what happend to me today??
i became ill
i can't believe it,
i needed some distraction and now can spend my weekend lying in bed
i am so not lucky